Overwhelmed

So this is one of those times, that I am really kicking myself for not keeping up on writing. We all know that it can be a wonderful outlet to being able to get frustrations out and find a way to deal with issues in a healthy manner.

I have mentioned it before that I do struggle with a hand full of issues. The major ones be related to mental health. It took them quite awhile to figure out what diagnosis was correct. Let's face it, it hasn't been until recently (within the last 10-15 years) that some of the stigma has been removed from having mental health issues. As more research has been done is well it was a relief to get mine out in the open.

For those who aren't aware of what those particular struggles are please see here lol : Bipolar (found out in my 30s), ADHD (late 20s early 30s for that one) depression (which I have struggled with through out childhood and adulthood) and of course one of my favs good ol' anxiety. 

Now here is where it gets interesting since the following is one of the major triggers to where the overwhelming feelings are stemming from. My son's father and I parted ways probably 6-7 years ago now (in all honesty I stopped counting) He was one of those individuals who didn't believe in mental health. When we were together it was his favorite thing to say when there was any sort of disagreement. "Your crazy, over reacting, lost touch with reality, and (the best one) everyone will see the same thing that I do" 

Toxic relationship to a whole new level. Worst part being that you really have no way to know that all this is happening until you are able to remove yourself from the situation. Sometimes the light bulb goes off randomly and you finally see what is happening, or you finally listen to what the other people in your life are seeing. Sadly in my case this is not what happened. I remember it pretty clearly. We were outside having a smoke and it was a conversation that came out of no where. I am sure that there were warning signs that there was something amiss but I chose to ignore them. "I am not attracted to you anymore and I am done with this" were the words that were used. I sat there completely dumbfounded as he continued on..."instead of bettering yourself you just sit there and do nothing but stuff your face with junk" (depression and untreated ADHD going hand in hand with depression). 

I wasn't able to fully comprehend where this came from and why there wasn't a prelude conversation. The worst part for me was the fact that I had to be in court the next day trying to sort things out with my daughter. Talk about crummy timing. Anyways in hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened as I am not sure that I would have walked away from him.

So here we are a substantial amount of time later. My son is now 10 years old and is in grade 4. We have relocated to a better of area of town and he is in a fantastic school. Sadly he has been struggling the vast majority of the year. I have been in close contact with his school since the beginning of there year and was able to get consistent updates. 

It was brought to my attention that homework wasn't being completed, and Dad emailed the teacher stating that he didn't have time to take care of it or the extra practice. Cue more frustration. As the school year progressed nothing changed. If anything it started to get worse. My son started struggling with his mental health. He was having emotional bouts of behavior, and got to the point of saying to both me and his teacher that he needs a therapist. There were times after that where he spoke of not wanting to be apart of this world, and being left in dangerous situations (left alone for 8hours + because Dad didn't want to take him to daycare) So I immediately reach out to drs, and the school to see if there were resources that we were able to use. Okay social worker can see him through the school. A referral for therapy through ABMH. Got to love those waiting lists. 

Looking into some education supports to be able to help him succeed and be able to accomplish goals in school. They have made a different type of programming for him as well. Though there are still skills that are missing. One of the main issues is the commitment that comes with these programs, not to mention there is additional home work that is being sent home. Its not something that can only be done half of the time. It has gotten to the point where now our son is not able to get the tools that he needs.

So with that background (which I was hoping wouldn't be that long LOL), the decision was made to pursue full custody for my son. My other half and are able to offer a more structure for him not only in home life, supports for his mental health struggles (Dad is stating that they don't exist) and schooling. There is also the concern of his lack of awareness to his cystic fibrosis and the priority of it. I have lost 2 jobs over hospital admissions, one could have been avoided if he didn't pull consent on a procedure that was needed. In all of the hospitalizations that have occurred over the years I have been the one there 98% of the time. I wouldn't change this mind you, however I am seemingly the only one who is even going for monthly follow ups with his regular doctor and ensuring meds are filled, that his Gtube supplies are bought and paid for, the payments for specialty insurance that is needed for his "super CF drug" and the list goes on. 

I buy everything that is essential, clothes, shoes, school fees, weather resistant clothes (jackets, shoes, boots, etc). And the list goes on.

Regardless, I have been wanting and needing to re-evaluate the parenting order for awhile and trying to sit down and figure it out with just him and I turns into a horrible fight, and him verbally and emotionally abusing me. I get blamed for all the issues, his gtube, his mental health, any issues are automatically my doing. *sigh

With the changes with the court systems, there are now mandatory courses that need to be taken, and an attempt at trying to resolve the issues outside of the courts. Translation try mediation. Alright so that was decided upon and the process was already in the works.

This week was hell and a half. Please note this is Dad's week with him. Sunday night I reached out via text letting him know that there is yearly testing that needed to be completed. Please note he knew about thing 3 months ago. There was an ultrasound Monday morning first thing, made sense for me to take him since he was with me until that afternoon. There was also a sweat test, blood work and regular follow up for the CF clinic. Well the response that I got was I can't take Thursday, I have no vacation time left because I went to Banff... 😓😒. Like seriously okay, okay fine.

Now mediation was also scheduled for this week and I have had full blown anxiety the entire evening that was bad enough that it triggered an argument with my other half> (yay not quite realizing just yet how my mental health can just add more issues when emotions are running high). 

One of the points that was made abundantly clear when we met one on one with the mediator was the importance of confidentiality and privacy of this conversation. Okay no worries, I work from home and have the ability to have that privacy. Well I am having a panic attack not wanting to face this person who makes me feel like an idiot and mentally/verbally abuses me. I get onto the meet and he is at work, sitting in the middle of a lunchroom. No headphones, and the admission that there is probably someone who will come in and hear the conversation as some point. OH HELL NO this is not what was agreed upon. So reschedule to Monday (the busiest day for me, and please note he PICKED the time and date for this to happen) so his plan is to stay home for the morning, well that's interesting since you will need to get our son to school. Its really true what people say in regards to stupidity. You really can't fix it.

I just want this to be done, I can handle all this piling up over and over. There are other issues that are adding even more stresses. Good grief one of my first calls this week was to the dr to get a referral for myself.